Resentment = "re-sentiment" -- "sentiment" literally "feeling again." Mentally replaying the scene countless times each day and in that way real wrongs grow worse, and imagined wrongs become real. Resentment is a cancer which needs to be dealt with before it spreads and does damage to our psyche before it becomes terminal.
Looked from another perspective resentment is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die. We are made to believe that if we blame and resent someone, we can somehow have control over that person or over the outcome of things. In reality we go get sucked deeper into the quagmire of ourselves as a victim.
The Process -The feelings are the result of your thoughts and beliefs. For example, if you have the thought, “God is punishing me,” you will likely see yourself as a victim and feel angry and resentful. Thoughts that cause anger, fear, and resentment are thoughts that are being made up by the wounded self.
The Source - Resentment does not come naturally to anybody it has to be induced. At the primary level it is a byproduct of a lack of understanding of the Creation of God its Intelligent Design. God is truth and love and when we are not in love and truth, we are off the divine path and that results in negativity – in anger, fear, anxiety, depression, resentment, blame. We need to appreciate that God's Creation is Impartial and we are what we are, and we aren't what we aren't, and no amount of resentment is going to change that.
Effect - It blocks natural compassion, one looks for things to resent, creates revenge motives among loved ones and thereby starts a downward spiral of bickering, irritability, cold shoulders, emotional shutdown, angry outbursts, and, eventually, emotional abyss.
Manifestation - It the manifests itself as Irritation from facial expressions, laughter, tone of voice, manner of dress and Losing interest in most forms of intimacy - talking, touch, hugging, sharing. Getting judgmental and friends feel like enemies.
Different Perspectives
1. Feel something again, and again and again, unwilling for the feeling to pass. Hamlet is a play of resentments. Hamlet becomes a ghost of himself because he is buried in resentments. He holds himself separate from everyone and against everything.
2. Obligations put on you from the outside. Ask yourself who is on your back? Who do you need to shake off? Duty is to do what is due, based on your own insight. Duty is not imposed from the outside. People fail to make a distinction of what has meaning from within vs. pressure from others.
3. Hoarded wants. For example: "If he/she really loved me he/she would know what I want." The buried want is the desire for someone to love you without you having to risk anything. This is a clever way to avoid the responsibility of asking.
Reason for propagation of Resentment - Encouraging resentment can be very profitable for the ruling class. As such a state would allow the rulers to direct the thinking of an entire nation or people to do as they wish them to do. Sometimes even parents encourage resentment.
Learn to Negotiate - To be successful in life you must learn to negotiate. This does not mean that you get everything you want. It does mean that you may get everything you want. To be a successful negotiator you must understand the other person’s needs and position of power. The operative word in that sentence is “understand”, it is not “power”.
Do not forget but Remember and Understand - It is impossible to resent or hate anyone who you understand providing they no longer have power over you. As about people in power even if you happen to shun them it will not be because of resentment but in self defense.
Develop the understanding -Describe resentments in writing, Look at your role in the resentment.Be willing to live without resentment,Pray for the person you resent.
Process Model to Remembering and Understanding
1. Uncovering Phase - During this phase the individual becomes aware of the emotional pain that has resulted from a deep, unjust injury. .
2. Decision Phase - The individual now realizes that to continue to focus on the injury and the injurer may cause more unnecessary suffering. The individual may then experience a " heart conversion" or, in other words, a life change in a positive direction. The individual entertains the idea of forgiveness as a healing strategy. The individual, then, commits to forgiving the injurer who has caused him/her such pain.
3. Work Phase - Here the forgiving individual begins the active work of forgiving the injurer. This phase may include new ways of thinking about the injurer. The injured individual may strive to understand the injurer's childhood or put the injurious event in context by understanding the pressures the injurer was under at the time of the offense.
4. Outcome/Deepening Phase - In this phase the forgiving individual begins to realize that he/she is gaining emotional relief from the process of forgiving his/her injurer. The emotional relief and new found meaning may lead to increased compassion for self and others. Thus, the forgiver discovers the paradox of forgiveness: as we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity, and moral love, we ourselves are healed.
Release it with Forgiveness- The difference between holding on to a resentment or releasing it with forgiveness is the difference between laying your head at night on a pillow filled with thorns or a pillow filled with rose petals. You choose what you would prefer.
One can pray like this: “God, whenever I am feeling resentful, please help me to see the causes behind my resentment—be it insecurity, jealousy, hurt and/or anger—and find the help I need to deal with and resolve these issues so I will always freely forgive all who have hurt me as you have freely forgiven me for all of my sins. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer.“
Forgiveness affirmation
1. Visualize or think of the person you are angry with or may have hurt, intentionally or unintentionally. This could be a person, a group of people, an organization, or any other entity from your past or present. Include yourself if you feel guilty or sorry for things you might have done to yourself.
2. Mentally declare that you forgive them. Say, "I fully and freely forgive you. I let you go to your good quickly and in peace. All between us has been resolved with peace and harmony for all concerned. I do this with peace in my heart."
3. Mentally declare that they forgive you. Say, "You fully and freely forgive me. You loose me and let me go to my good quickly and in peace. All between us has been resolved with peace, love and harmony for all concerned."
Tao - 79th Verse - End on Love, No Matter What
I find this to be particularly Inspiring
After a bitter quarrel, some resentment remains
What can one do about it
Being content with what you have is always better in end
Someone must risk returning injury with kindness
or hostility will never return to goodwill
so the wise always give without expecting gratitude
One with true virtue
always seeks a way to give
one who lacks the true virtue
always seeks a way to get
To the Giver comes the fullness of life
to the taker just an empty hand
Remember that resentment comes because you are unwilling to end the after effects of hostile interactions. In stock market bull markets don't last for ever and similarly in relationship there is time of hostility and there is time for peace. All that one needs to do is extend the kindness by letting go of the anger. Make it a point to “End on Love, No Matter What”
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assissi - Get into a habit of giving forgiveness and recite the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assissi (especially focus on the line that has been placed in bold)
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Quran - Sûrah ash Shura 42.40 -The recompense for an injury is an injury equal thereto (in degree): but if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah for Allah loves not those who do wrong.
Ahadith - Narrated Abu Huraira - Bukhâri Volume 3, Book 43, Number 629 - Whoever has oppressed another person concerning his reputation or anything else, he should beg him to forgive him before the Day of Resurrection when there will be no money (to compensate for wrong deeds), but if he has good deeds, those good deeds will be taken from him according to his oppression which he has done, and if he has no good deeds, the sins of the oppressed person will be loaded on him.
Ahadith - Narrated Abu Huraira - Bukhâri Volume 9, Book 93, Number 598 - If somebody commits a sin and then says, 'O my Lord! I have sinned, please forgive me!' and his Lord says, 'My slave has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for it, I therefore have forgiven my slave (his sins).' Then he remains without committing any sin for a while and then again commits another sin and says, 'O my Lord, I have committed another sin, please forgive me,' and Allah says, 'My slave has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for it, I therefore have forgiven my slave (his sin). Then he remains without Committing any another sin for a while and then commits another sin (for the third time) and says, 'O my Lord, I have committed another sin, please forgive me,' and Allah says, 'My slave has known that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for it I therefore have forgiven My slave (his sin), he can do whatever he likes.Matthew 18:21-22 - Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Luke 6:37 - Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Mark 11:25 - And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
Mahabharata, Udyoga Parva - Forgiveness is a great power - Addressing Dhritarashtra, Vidura said: "There is one only defect in forgiving persons, and not another; that defect is that people take a forgiving person to be weak. That defect, however, should not be taken into consideration, for forgiveness is a great power. Forgiveness is a virtue of the weak, and an ornament of the strong. Forgiveness subdues (all) in this world; what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve? What can a wicked person do unto him who carries the sabre of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the grassless ground is extinguished of itself. And unforgiving individual defiles himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge is one supreme contentment; and benevolence, one sole happiness."
Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 16, verse 3 - Krishna said in the Gita that forgiveness is one of the characteristics of one born for a divine state. It is noteworthy that he distinguishes those good traits from those he considered to be demoniac, such as pride, self-conceit and anger.
No comments:
Post a Comment